Guest post submitted By Robert Sarian of Avoid Debt
Clare Kolker married her husband Paul forty-eight years ago. Together they raised five children. They paid for five sets of braces, five college tuitions and their four daughters’ weddings. And she can make an audacious claim: “I can’t remember a time when we ever fought about money,” she says.
No, they weren’t rich, there was no trust fund in the formula, and neither of them won the lottery. It was just common sense. “We always lived within our means,” says Clare. “I lived with a budget, kept track of all of our expenses in a notebook, and tried to think ahead for big ticket items, like car insurance.”
But the Kolker’s domestic accord and financial practicality are not the norm. A September 2008 study showed that at least 60% of all couples argue over money at least once a month, and those numbers are increasing amid tough economic times. It is not easy to solve money problems between couples. However, there are steps you can take to reduce the arguments.
“I would say struggles over money are present in just about all of the marriages, I see, even in the most communicative of relationships, says Jack Simmons, founder of an investment firm and author of a book on relationships. “When you have two people coming to the table, each with their own issues about money, you find that many times they don’t know how to talk about challenges.”
Simmons says that, ideally, all married couples should have some written agreement to outline how they want their property divided in the event of a divorce.
Another, perhaps more palatable, alternative is to agree on a financial plan with your partner, one that you can both live with. Clare’s husband Paul says he was happy to “bring home my paycheck and hand it to Clare.” He says that she always kept clear records if he wanted to look through them, and that he trusted to her to do the right thing.
“I give her 99.9% of the credit for keeping us financially sane,” he says.
Although it took work to set a budget and stick to it, Clare says that it gave the couple “one less thing to fight about.”
“We really enjoy our life, but we live within our means. You have to be smart about it,” she says.
Clare has encouraged her children to follow her strategy. But for those couples who haven’t hashed all of this out yet – or are currently doing so at a high decibel level – there is hope, says New York based psychotherapist and relationship expert, and the author of “51Things You Should Know Before Getting Engaged.”
He suggests that couples learn positive communication, come up with some common goals, and then take action.
“Couples need to have the right intention set when starting this conversation. They have to ask themselves and each other, “what is the point of this conversation?” It’s important to be open and vulnerable and to really try to see things the other person’s way. That way you’ll tend to feel more compassionate.”
In his counseling practice, Batshaw gives couples with several tools to help make their communication more meaningful. He suggests that it’s important to pick a time and place where you can talk without getting overheated or emotional, and where you won’t be constantly interrupted. He says that “empathetic listening,” using “I” statements when giving examples of what’s bothering you is critical in helping the discussion to go smoothly. So instead of hurling the “You always _____,” or “You never ____” lines, try saying along the lines of “It bothers me when you spend…”
He says that by just learning to speak about the topic calmly and civilly, the couple will start to listen better and understand each other better. He says that in order to develop a financial plan, couples must grant each other a safe environment for talking. “And if it gets heated, take a break and return to the discussion only when both parties are calm again.”
Once a plan is agreed upon, it must be put into action. “It’s like weight lifting. You have to build up the muscle and practice. You can’t do it just once a month. This needs to be seen as a process,” Batshaw says.
Even if you’ve been married for years or coming into another relationship, it’s never too late to take some basic baby steps, which most people – couples who have been together a longtime especially – often overlook.
A common first step is to simply set a budget, much like the Kolker’s have lived with for almost fifty years. A budget can be viewed as a simple piece of financial information, one based on facts. Gathering these facts should only take a couple of hours, but might lead to years of marital (at least from a financial perspective) bliss.
First, gather all of your financial statements including recent utility and insurance bills, bank statements and other documents that can help you to create a monthly average of your expenses. Then determine what your monthly income is. Break your expenses into two categories, fixed and variable. Fixed expenses are the ones that stay relatively the same each month, such as mortgage, internet service and car insurance. Variable expenses can fluctuate, such as cab fares, gasoline, entertainment and groceries.
After totaling your monthly expenses and monthly income, a couple has to decide what adjustments are necessary to have their income and expense columns come out equal.
“This can take a lot of pressure off of a marriage,” says Clare. “I’d encourage everyone to try it.”
Clare says that it’s important not to feel as though you are giving something up. “It’s just being able to pay as we went along,” she says. “We paid credit cards off each month; I even shopped with a clicker to add up our groceries as I went up and down the aisle.
“And if we didn’t have the money, we didn’t buy it. It was really that simple,” she says.
Simple, but not so easy for some. Batshaw advises taking it slow and allowing for bumps in the road. “Anytime a couple takes action, they’re going to feel better,” he says. “But it might not be right away. Communication takes practice.”
Jaquette Timmons says that she started getting concerned when she saw many of her friends, — “college-educated, savvy and otherwise smart professional women” – were not honestly discussing their financial situations with their partners. She did research for her book in hopes of encouraging couples to communicate about a topic that is too frequently – and foolishly – considered taboo.
In his office, Paul Kolker shows a picture of his five grown children and lists off their degrees, their jobs and the number of children they have.
“They are what every parent could hope for,” he says. “The best of the best.”
And all expenses paid, without a fight.
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